A bit about finding yourself, a lot about getting lost in the process
Back again, this time leaning back against a mattress I will never see again surrounded by boxes full of trinkets and knickknacks that I have deemed worthy of making space for in my home. My hair has been in the same bun for a good 12 hours and I could probably (definitely) use a shower. I've moved so many times in the past two years that packing isn't as difficult for me as it once was, and I am more comfortable letting go of things that aren't worth keeping. Tucked into the corner of a shelf, is the only object I can't yet bring myself to part with and the inspiration for another blog post - my flute.
For those who know me well you probably know the story, but for those who don't let me give you a quick recap. I started playing the flute when I was in fifth grade, and played all the way through my senior year of high school. I started private lessons in sixth grade, competed in regional and state events, many of which I won top scores or placed in. I commuted 4 hours a week to be part of an orchestra group that was fairly prestigious and was offered scholarships to colleges and given numerous opportunities to excel. Playing the flute quickly became a core part of my life and who I was and I was pretty damn good. When I finally graduated from high school, I packed my flute into its case and walked away from all of it.
The words 'failure' and 'disappointment' don't sit well with me. For myself, my musical career was one of the most difficult and disappointing failures I've had to endure. When it started, it was something that I loved, that I wanted to be good at, that I thought maybe I could make a career out of. When I walked away it had become something that I resented, that brought a lot of pain and conflict into my life and into myself. Between the constant pressure from my teachers and my parents, the hours of playing time and frustration, I was falling apart and I wasn't even sure how or why. I would learn later that these were going to be my first encounters with the anxiety attacks and minor depression that pushed me to hate something I had once loved. I convinced myself over and over that I would never be good enough, that I wasn't getting better, that I was wasting time and money, that I could never live up to my family's expectations. One word in the wrong direction about my musical ability, even from a stranger, turned into a thousand knives I sharpened and pointed at myself. I watched myself as I morphed into this black creature who latched onto negativity and spewed venom and malice, and I became this teeny tiny speck lost somewhere in the middle.
I saw graduation as the light at the end of the tunnel, my last roadblock to freedom. At some point I decided that I wanted to go to Portland, Oregon because it was a city I hadn't ever been to and I was getting claustrophobic in a tiny town. Mostly, I picked it because I promised myself that I was going to live differently, and I made a few vows to myself:
Make decisions that make YOU happy. There is only one of you in here, so you've got control over the whole thing.
Trust your gut it's a hell of a lot smarter than you
Say 'yes' more often (but that doesn't mean say 'yes' to things that are sketchy)
Be ambitious, you can accomplish a lot more than you think
Stop lying. To yourself, and to others; you will only recreate the life you are trying to leave
ASK FOR HELP.
Do what you have to do to build a home for yourself, learn to let go of things and people that you don't have space for.
They sound really easy on paper but like most things it was easier said than done. I had trouble at first, but knowing that all my decisions were my own was a big part of finding my way back to myself. If I messed up it was my fault, if I made the wrong choice I had to find a way to get myself out of it. I learned that the first option isn't always the best and that sometime none of the options are the easiest. I had to make my own friends and my own connections and if I wanted something I had to work for it. I got two of my current jobs by showing up so much and asking enough people that they finally hired me (and they both think I'm great).
Very very slowly, I found my way to a better understanding of my own wants and needs, I grew to value things I never thought I would (I actually ADD tomatoes to things now!!) and I created a life and a person I have grown to admire and respect. Even in the past three years, the person I was and the person I am feel like night and day. I have a better understanding of what I want and I make sure the people around me know how hard I am willing to work to get it. I now look back on my many years of struggling to recognize myself with a little bit of admiration, even though it's tinged with sadness. Knowing that I overcame myself, and overcame my own idea of failure and disappointment to create a life I want to life and nurture and grow, well there is little else that is more satisfying than that.
Cheers,
B
